As if I didn't have enough to deal with. I fucked the lead singer in the band we were seeing every Thursday night.
What in the hell is wrong with me?
Seriously, what is wrong with me? He became to clingly fast. He didn't respect the boundries of my marriage as all others before him. So, immediately I had to let him go.
My children and husband come first.
No more bar on Thursday nights for me.
Besides if Chase found out he would kill me. I was so into Chase that I even stopped seeing Josh or any other body that I might have previously entertained. After the band dude Chase and I had the most intimate conversation we had ever had. He actually asked that I stopped talking to Justin "because he didn't like that shit". That made me love him even more.
I'm down to two. Chase and Eric.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Fuck this MySpace, Facebook and Twitter craze. That is so not me.
Then I get a friend request from my girlfriend Rhonda. She wanted to show me pictures of her kids. So, thinking I could just go on and see the kids, I signed up. I got sucked in so fast. Before I knew it I had over 800 friends and was a Facebook junky.
Look at me know. I'm writing fucking blogs. Seriously?
Before I even got my feet wet on Facebook, Eric had his objections. He warned that Facebook, MySpace and Twitter were nothing but trouble. I assured him that couldn't be further from the truth. I told him that ALL of my Facebook encounters were respectful and no one dared to cross the line.
Then came the friend request from Jason. You remember Jason don't you? Sweaty sex.
He started off giving me advice about my marriage. Most often, he'd take Eric side and help me see where I was wrong. Then he asked me out to lunch.
Sure, lunch is innocent enough.
Next he was meeting me at bars for night caps.
Then finally, you know it. Sweaty sex. I don't know how I let him pull me back into THAT. Maybe it was how often he talked about how bad he wanted to taste my pussy. Okay, sure. Why not? So after one reminder of how sweaty the sex was and OH the pussy eating... TERRIBLE. Bye Jason. Well not GOODBYE. We can still go to lunch, maybe even dinner. NO MORE SEX. I promise you.
Jason was just the beginning. All types of intruders started invading my inbox. Talking about all the things they wanted to do to me, and how bad they wanted me when they knew me before. Some of them I just ignored. Others were more creative and intriguing. After Jason no one else was going to get a date. I did allow them to entertain me during the day with their talk of licking and kissing and all the other ways they wanted to "turn me out".
Okay, so maybe Eric WAS right about Facebook. BUT I'm not falling for that one ever again. I use Facebook only as a tool to promote one of my many business. Oh you didn't know I am a mompreneur? I will tell you about my business vetures later.
Bye Facebook.
Then I get a friend request from my girlfriend Rhonda. She wanted to show me pictures of her kids. So, thinking I could just go on and see the kids, I signed up. I got sucked in so fast. Before I knew it I had over 800 friends and was a Facebook junky.
Look at me know. I'm writing fucking blogs. Seriously?
Before I even got my feet wet on Facebook, Eric had his objections. He warned that Facebook, MySpace and Twitter were nothing but trouble. I assured him that couldn't be further from the truth. I told him that ALL of my Facebook encounters were respectful and no one dared to cross the line.
Then came the friend request from Jason. You remember Jason don't you? Sweaty sex.
He started off giving me advice about my marriage. Most often, he'd take Eric side and help me see where I was wrong. Then he asked me out to lunch.
Sure, lunch is innocent enough.
Next he was meeting me at bars for night caps.
Then finally, you know it. Sweaty sex. I don't know how I let him pull me back into THAT. Maybe it was how often he talked about how bad he wanted to taste my pussy. Okay, sure. Why not? So after one reminder of how sweaty the sex was and OH the pussy eating... TERRIBLE. Bye Jason. Well not GOODBYE. We can still go to lunch, maybe even dinner. NO MORE SEX. I promise you.
Jason was just the beginning. All types of intruders started invading my inbox. Talking about all the things they wanted to do to me, and how bad they wanted me when they knew me before. Some of them I just ignored. Others were more creative and intriguing. After Jason no one else was going to get a date. I did allow them to entertain me during the day with their talk of licking and kissing and all the other ways they wanted to "turn me out".
Okay, so maybe Eric WAS right about Facebook. BUT I'm not falling for that one ever again. I use Facebook only as a tool to promote one of my many business. Oh you didn't know I am a mompreneur? I will tell you about my business vetures later.
Bye Facebook.
I really do love Eric
Let me take a moment to tell you about just me and Eric. Can you try to forget about everyone else? That's what I do. When I am at home with him and the kids. I TRY to forget about everyone else.
It helped that no one would dare to disrespect my marriage any further than they already were by defiling me at any chance they got.
Eric was really into basketball. He coached boys basketball, he played in a league, he played it on his PS2 and later his PS3, I even found out that he had been coaching a team of strippers.
What were we doing to each other? We spent no time together.
At one point my mother agreed to keep the kids once a month. The first couple of times we went out on dates and enjoyed each others company.
Then we just started sleeping in and enjoying the peace and quiet in the house.
Then we started making plans to go out separately.
In no way did I feel like Eric was attracted to me. I sought and received the attention elsewhere.
I wish I could be fulfilled by one man. I sometimes wish that one man was Eric. I most times wish I knew who the one man was. Deep down I think I do.
It helped that no one would dare to disrespect my marriage any further than they already were by defiling me at any chance they got.
Eric was really into basketball. He coached boys basketball, he played in a league, he played it on his PS2 and later his PS3, I even found out that he had been coaching a team of strippers.
What were we doing to each other? We spent no time together.
At one point my mother agreed to keep the kids once a month. The first couple of times we went out on dates and enjoyed each others company.
Then we just started sleeping in and enjoying the peace and quiet in the house.
Then we started making plans to go out separately.
In no way did I feel like Eric was attracted to me. I sought and received the attention elsewhere.
I wish I could be fulfilled by one man. I sometimes wish that one man was Eric. I most times wish I knew who the one man was. Deep down I think I do.
Set me free
Of course with all of the extra curricular activities things at home were worse than ever. I asked Eric for a divorce more than once.
We were fighting more often than not and I didn't want that around my children. Neither did he. So we stopped fighting. We stopped talking to each other period. In the evenings when we came home from work he'd go straight to the basement leaving me upstairs with the kids.
We stopped sleeping in the same bed. Most nights I piled the kids into our bed so he'd be forced to sleep somewhere else. Some nights I didn't even have to. He just didn't bother coming upstairs.
I was talking to Josh occasionally.
Nash had gotten married.
Still fucking Chase.
Married to Eric.
We were fighting more often than not and I didn't want that around my children. Neither did he. So we stopped fighting. We stopped talking to each other period. In the evenings when we came home from work he'd go straight to the basement leaving me upstairs with the kids.
We stopped sleeping in the same bed. Most nights I piled the kids into our bed so he'd be forced to sleep somewhere else. Some nights I didn't even have to. He just didn't bother coming upstairs.
I was talking to Josh occasionally.
Nash had gotten married.
Still fucking Chase.
Married to Eric.
Cheating
Everything before marriage, I didn't consider cheating because I wasn't married. Although it was, because I was supposed to be in a committed relationship. That was just my way of justifying my wrong doings.
There was no way of justifying this. Instead I rationalized it. Shit, I didn't know what Eric was doing during his free time. After the cell phone incident, all the trust I had in him was gone.
So... I continued to hang out with Justin. We only had sex once or twice then the guilt took over and I decided to back off.
I say it's the guilt, but somehow within that time frame I started talking to Chase again. I don't remember if I called him or if he called me. I just knew we were back on. Our reconnection this time was the most intense encounter ever. It lasted, well technically it's still going strong. Kinda. I'll get to that soon. I have a few more details left to fill you in on.
My job sent me out of town for travel every three weeks. I traveled frequently between New York and Pennsylvania. Chase met me during every trip. I loved being out of town and having the ability to walk the streets freely with Chase. At home we both had way too much baggage. He was still with his daughter's mother and I had Eric. So he became my travel companion.
Once the cheating started I couldn't stop. If Chase couldn't met me out of town I always had someone to take his place.
Josh met me in Pennsylvania once. A guy from high school in New York (NOTHING HAPPENED ON THAT TRIP, I SWEAR). Mostly thought, it was Chase. Yep and I was so in love with him that I prayed it would last forever.
During this time Nash ran into one of my girlfriend's and asked her for my number. She gave it to him. He called me. We talked. Now here he is telling me how much he loved and missed me. Nash reminisced about what we could've had. About our baby if I would've kept it. About how much he regretted not fighting harder for what we had.
I was seeing Josh, Chase, Nash and of course Eric.
There was no way of justifying this. Instead I rationalized it. Shit, I didn't know what Eric was doing during his free time. After the cell phone incident, all the trust I had in him was gone.
So... I continued to hang out with Justin. We only had sex once or twice then the guilt took over and I decided to back off.
I say it's the guilt, but somehow within that time frame I started talking to Chase again. I don't remember if I called him or if he called me. I just knew we were back on. Our reconnection this time was the most intense encounter ever. It lasted, well technically it's still going strong. Kinda. I'll get to that soon. I have a few more details left to fill you in on.
My job sent me out of town for travel every three weeks. I traveled frequently between New York and Pennsylvania. Chase met me during every trip. I loved being out of town and having the ability to walk the streets freely with Chase. At home we both had way too much baggage. He was still with his daughter's mother and I had Eric. So he became my travel companion.
Once the cheating started I couldn't stop. If Chase couldn't met me out of town I always had someone to take his place.
Josh met me in Pennsylvania once. A guy from high school in New York (NOTHING HAPPENED ON THAT TRIP, I SWEAR). Mostly thought, it was Chase. Yep and I was so in love with him that I prayed it would last forever.
During this time Nash ran into one of my girlfriend's and asked her for my number. She gave it to him. He called me. We talked. Now here he is telling me how much he loved and missed me. Nash reminisced about what we could've had. About our baby if I would've kept it. About how much he regretted not fighting harder for what we had.
I was seeing Josh, Chase, Nash and of course Eric.
Nightlife
I had so much fun with Cynthia at the bar that we became regulars. Every Thursday night the band played and there we were.
Now if you think I've had a lot of sexcapades in my time. They didn't compare to Cynthia's.
Still a little deflated from finding the cell phone I lived through Cynthia. Besides, I was married and putting fourth my best effort to make it work. I was Cynthia's wing man. Covering for her. Watching her back.
I was having a good time watching her live her single life.
I decided to go back to work. I got a job in Georgetown at a advertising agency right on the waterfront. It was a prime location. I loved working there. The atmosphere was sick.
Coincidentally, I worked in the same building as Justin. I ran into him one day at lunch and he became my lunch buddy.
We spent most lunches talking about what happened to us and what could've been. He admitted that my decision to talk to Chase broke his heart. He said he brought Chase over hoping I'd chose him instead. He told me how much he loved me and how he would always love me.
When he could get away, he would sneak over to my office and we'd hang out until it was time to go home. We left work at the same time and walked to the garage together. We both altered our route home so we could follow each other for as long as we could.
After a while we starting staying later and we'd hang out in Georgetown for a cocktail at happy hour. Happy hour turned into dinner. Dinner turned into sex.
Now if you think I've had a lot of sexcapades in my time. They didn't compare to Cynthia's.
Still a little deflated from finding the cell phone I lived through Cynthia. Besides, I was married and putting fourth my best effort to make it work. I was Cynthia's wing man. Covering for her. Watching her back.
I was having a good time watching her live her single life.
I decided to go back to work. I got a job in Georgetown at a advertising agency right on the waterfront. It was a prime location. I loved working there. The atmosphere was sick.
Coincidentally, I worked in the same building as Justin. I ran into him one day at lunch and he became my lunch buddy.
We spent most lunches talking about what happened to us and what could've been. He admitted that my decision to talk to Chase broke his heart. He said he brought Chase over hoping I'd chose him instead. He told me how much he loved me and how he would always love me.
When he could get away, he would sneak over to my office and we'd hang out until it was time to go home. We left work at the same time and walked to the garage together. We both altered our route home so we could follow each other for as long as we could.
After a while we starting staying later and we'd hang out in Georgetown for a cocktail at happy hour. Happy hour turned into dinner. Dinner turned into sex.
Don't call it a comeback...
After staying with my mother for one night and listening to how I should leave his sorry ass. I went back home. I went back home because I knew I hadn't been perfect in our relationship.
I was focused and determined to find the old me under all this extra skin and baby weight. The twins weren't even two weeks old.
I was already starting to feel like I had failed them.
With my son I breastfed for an entire year. I couldn't even make it a month with the twins.
Everything I excelled at with my son I failed miserably with the twins.
Gone was my self-esteem.
The twins took every bit of my energy and any desire I once had to look a certain way. I just didn't care anymore.
One day I woke up and I cared.
Okay, so I had a little belly I never had before. I had two options. Either I could pull myself together and get my body back. Or I could do nothing and let it get worse.
I was on a mission. I even started working out with Eric in the morning.
No matter what I did the belly bulge wasn't going anywhere. I didn't care because somehow while working out I started feeling better about myself.
Maybe it was seeing all the women in the gym in way worse shape than I, who didn't just push out a set of twin girls.
One night my girlfriend Cynthia called and asked if I wanted to go with her to a bar to see a band play. I dusted off my sexiest pumps and met Cynthia at the bar.
I was focused and determined to find the old me under all this extra skin and baby weight. The twins weren't even two weeks old.
I was already starting to feel like I had failed them.
With my son I breastfed for an entire year. I couldn't even make it a month with the twins.
Everything I excelled at with my son I failed miserably with the twins.
Gone was my self-esteem.
The twins took every bit of my energy and any desire I once had to look a certain way. I just didn't care anymore.
One day I woke up and I cared.
Okay, so I had a little belly I never had before. I had two options. Either I could pull myself together and get my body back. Or I could do nothing and let it get worse.
I was on a mission. I even started working out with Eric in the morning.
No matter what I did the belly bulge wasn't going anywhere. I didn't care because somehow while working out I started feeling better about myself.
Maybe it was seeing all the women in the gym in way worse shape than I, who didn't just push out a set of twin girls.
One night my girlfriend Cynthia called and asked if I wanted to go with her to a bar to see a band play. I dusted off my sexiest pumps and met Cynthia at the bar.
For real this time
Things between Eric and I were perfect. We had been going strong for an entire year. That was an amazing feat for us.
Our son was doing well in school and I was pregnant for real this time. With TWINS. Eric's twins. Identical twin girls.
We decided we needed to move into a bigger house, so we did.
And we waited.
Waited for the twins to come.
They came that summer and I was in the worst shape ever. After having our son I was able to snap back into my old self in no time.
Not with these two. I was in pain for weeks and looked like I was still five months pregnant.
The way my body looked, I knew I could never be with another man even if I wanted to.
It was late one night and Eric went out with the fellas. He came home reeking of alcohol. The twins were a few days old.
To this day I still do not know why, but something made me go into his car.
I can't remember what I wanted or what I was looking for. What I found. I wasn't ready for.
A cell phone.
A cell phone with the same number in it over and over again. Originally I thought maybe one of his friends left the phone in the car.
So I brought it in the house to confront him. He looked like he had seen a ghost. He was too fucked up to even try to cover it up.
I made the mistake of giving him the phone. He wasn't that fucked up. While I was packing my shit to take myself and my kids to my mother's house, he locked the phone.
I left and took the locked phone with me.
It wasn't until I got to my mother's house that I realized he locked the phone.
I was up all night trying codes.
My birthday. His birthday. Our son's birthday. The twins birthday. SSN's, last digits of phone numbers, house numbers. I tried everything of relevance.
Then for no reason after trying 1234 I put in 6969 and the phone unlocked.
I had never hurt so bad.
He was on the phone with this mystery number the entire night I lay in the hospital after having our twins. HIS twins.
I became the bitch that called. I called the number and the bitch did EXACTLY what I have been known to do. She played it down. Said they were just friends. Did she know who the fuck she was talking to? I invented that game.
Our son was doing well in school and I was pregnant for real this time. With TWINS. Eric's twins. Identical twin girls.
We decided we needed to move into a bigger house, so we did.
And we waited.
Waited for the twins to come.
They came that summer and I was in the worst shape ever. After having our son I was able to snap back into my old self in no time.
Not with these two. I was in pain for weeks and looked like I was still five months pregnant.
The way my body looked, I knew I could never be with another man even if I wanted to.
It was late one night and Eric went out with the fellas. He came home reeking of alcohol. The twins were a few days old.
To this day I still do not know why, but something made me go into his car.
I can't remember what I wanted or what I was looking for. What I found. I wasn't ready for.
A cell phone.
A cell phone with the same number in it over and over again. Originally I thought maybe one of his friends left the phone in the car.
So I brought it in the house to confront him. He looked like he had seen a ghost. He was too fucked up to even try to cover it up.
I made the mistake of giving him the phone. He wasn't that fucked up. While I was packing my shit to take myself and my kids to my mother's house, he locked the phone.
I left and took the locked phone with me.
It wasn't until I got to my mother's house that I realized he locked the phone.
I was up all night trying codes.
My birthday. His birthday. Our son's birthday. The twins birthday. SSN's, last digits of phone numbers, house numbers. I tried everything of relevance.
Then for no reason after trying 1234 I put in 6969 and the phone unlocked.
I had never hurt so bad.
He was on the phone with this mystery number the entire night I lay in the hospital after having our twins. HIS twins.
I became the bitch that called. I called the number and the bitch did EXACTLY what I have been known to do. She played it down. Said they were just friends. Did she know who the fuck she was talking to? I invented that game.
What's up Doc?
Excited to find out as much as I could about this baby I was carrying I went to my first doctor's appointment alone. I couldn't wait for a time when both of our schedules were in sync.
I went to the doctor and found out I was WAY to far along for this to be Eric's child.
I had to think fast.. Eric already knew about the pregnancy but I couldn't take the risk of this baby looking just like Chase. Like his older daughter. To add to the irony of my life I was supposed to be taking my son to Chase's daughter's birthday party the NEXT day. The nail girl invited me, I couldn't say no.
During the birthday party I told Chase about OUR predicament. He had the nerve to ask me what I wanted to do. Please tell me you are kidding me.
He gave me the money and there it was.
Abortion #3
You would think with each abortion it wouldn't be so hard. This was the hardest. This was the baby that Eric and I were ready to have. I kept myself awake at night crying. Of course Eric thought it was because I had just lost our baby. Such a tragic lie on top of a horrible situation. I felt terrible.
That day I swore off every man other than Eric. We had to make it work. I had to find a way to be attracted to him only. I had to focus all of my energy on this one man and our new family.
I went to the doctor and found out I was WAY to far along for this to be Eric's child.
I had to think fast.. Eric already knew about the pregnancy but I couldn't take the risk of this baby looking just like Chase. Like his older daughter. To add to the irony of my life I was supposed to be taking my son to Chase's daughter's birthday party the NEXT day. The nail girl invited me, I couldn't say no.
During the birthday party I told Chase about OUR predicament. He had the nerve to ask me what I wanted to do. Please tell me you are kidding me.
He gave me the money and there it was.
Abortion #3
You would think with each abortion it wouldn't be so hard. This was the hardest. This was the baby that Eric and I were ready to have. I kept myself awake at night crying. Of course Eric thought it was because I had just lost our baby. Such a tragic lie on top of a horrible situation. I felt terrible.
That day I swore off every man other than Eric. We had to make it work. I had to find a way to be attracted to him only. I had to focus all of my energy on this one man and our new family.
I guess?
Immediately following our return from Atlantic City. I had the abortion then proceeded to pack up my apartment and moved back in with Eric.
No time to think about it or change my mind. We were getting married.
I was happy and in... hmm... what was I in? I loved Eric but I can't say that I was in love with him. I was in love with the idea of having a wedding. I was in love of the idea of my family being together. My son, his biological father and me.
I jumped into planning the wedding head first.
Then I made a big mistake. I accepted a phone call from Chase. Than another one. Than I was sneaking around to see him. Shit. What was I doing?
I wasn't over him and he wasn't over me. I started going out with him.
During marriage counseling Eric and I had decided to wait until after we were married before having sex again and WE did. Chase and I were another story.
I fucked Chase the night before my bachelorette party. After waking up the next day and being surprised by all of my bridesmaids the guilt was overwhelming.
So I finally stopped seeing Chase. For good.
Eric and I got married, had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon and were now finally off to a good start.
One morning I woke up queasy and feeling run down. Yes, I knew this feeling and I was SO happy to be having another baby.
We took the EPT and it was positive. Yay, for the first time ever I was happy to see a positive EPT.
Eric and I were adding another member to our family. I called my doctor and couldn't wait to find out how far along I was.
No time to think about it or change my mind. We were getting married.
I was happy and in... hmm... what was I in? I loved Eric but I can't say that I was in love with him. I was in love with the idea of having a wedding. I was in love of the idea of my family being together. My son, his biological father and me.
I jumped into planning the wedding head first.
Then I made a big mistake. I accepted a phone call from Chase. Than another one. Than I was sneaking around to see him. Shit. What was I doing?
I wasn't over him and he wasn't over me. I started going out with him.
During marriage counseling Eric and I had decided to wait until after we were married before having sex again and WE did. Chase and I were another story.
I fucked Chase the night before my bachelorette party. After waking up the next day and being surprised by all of my bridesmaids the guilt was overwhelming.
So I finally stopped seeing Chase. For good.
Eric and I got married, had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon and were now finally off to a good start.
One morning I woke up queasy and feeling run down. Yes, I knew this feeling and I was SO happy to be having another baby.
We took the EPT and it was positive. Yay, for the first time ever I was happy to see a positive EPT.
Eric and I were adding another member to our family. I called my doctor and couldn't wait to find out how far along I was.
Atlantic City
Okay so my love life is all about Chase.
We went to bars together and had way too much fun. One night, on my way to my - now far as fuck apartment - since I'm not seeing Josh anymore. Chase agreed to meet me at the nail salon where I had an appointment scheduled in the morning.
He left his car there and drove my car to a club somewhere in Frederick. He stayed at my house and I took him to where his car was parked while I went and got my nails done.
I've been going to this beauty salon for years. The owner had been doing my nails for over 15 years. Everyone in there from the staff to the patrons were like family.
While I was getting my nails done by a girl I had known since we were kids she asked if I went to school with Chase. Thinking it was odd and not knowing her motives. I cautiously answered yes.
She proclaims that Chase is the father to her one month old daughter.
WTF?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. I couldn't even wait for my nails to dry before I called Chase to tell him to fuck off.
Lost and confused oh and pregnant I found my way back to Eric.
I had found out a few weeks before that I was pregnant by Josh and I was so confused. I never wanted to have another abortion but I KNEW I couldn't bring a baby into all of that drama.
I told Eric and he was so supportive. He told me if I chose to keep the baby he would help me raise another man's baby.
I couldn't do that to Eric. So, after deciding on Abortion #2 we decided to hop on a bus and go to Atlantic City.
Who is this man? Eric and I had so much fun in Atlantic City that I forgot I was with Eric.
I even sucked his dick on the ride home.
We went to bars together and had way too much fun. One night, on my way to my - now far as fuck apartment - since I'm not seeing Josh anymore. Chase agreed to meet me at the nail salon where I had an appointment scheduled in the morning.
He left his car there and drove my car to a club somewhere in Frederick. He stayed at my house and I took him to where his car was parked while I went and got my nails done.
I've been going to this beauty salon for years. The owner had been doing my nails for over 15 years. Everyone in there from the staff to the patrons were like family.
While I was getting my nails done by a girl I had known since we were kids she asked if I went to school with Chase. Thinking it was odd and not knowing her motives. I cautiously answered yes.
She proclaims that Chase is the father to her one month old daughter.
WTF?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. I couldn't even wait for my nails to dry before I called Chase to tell him to fuck off.
Lost and confused oh and pregnant I found my way back to Eric.
I had found out a few weeks before that I was pregnant by Josh and I was so confused. I never wanted to have another abortion but I KNEW I couldn't bring a baby into all of that drama.
I told Eric and he was so supportive. He told me if I chose to keep the baby he would help me raise another man's baby.
I couldn't do that to Eric. So, after deciding on Abortion #2 we decided to hop on a bus and go to Atlantic City.
Who is this man? Eric and I had so much fun in Atlantic City that I forgot I was with Eric.
I even sucked his dick on the ride home.
First Comes Love
Even with his baby on the way, I allowed myself to fall deeper in love with Josh.
I was so in love with him I became stupid. I would and did do anything for this man. The way he made me feel when we were together nothing else mattered.
Nothing else mattered until the bitch called my mutha fuckin' phone.
Okay so some how she got my number and let me not call her a bitch, yet. She was a pregnant girl who I felt sorry for because I knew I was fucking the shit out of her baby's father.
She attempted to grill me on the phone about my relationship with Josh. I have never been a petty chick, so, for her benefit I downplayed it. No need to rub the shit in her face. Hell, I remember how fucked up it felt to be pregnant and feel unwanted.
As sorry as I felt for her and her situation I was still not ready to let Josh go.
So you know what happened next...
Yep, I kept seeing him.
She kept calling me, what she was saying was going in one ear and out the other until the bitch told me they were getting married.
I confronted Josh and he told me about the guilt trip she was laying on him. Damn that's the same shit I tried on Eric but it failed to work. Well it worked on Josh's dumb ass.
Or maybe they weren't the dumb ones.
Nope, it was definitely me. The big dummy.
He didn't even tell me when they finally did get married. I had to find out on my own. His dumb ass left a card in my bathroom that she had given him about their wedding day. It took everything in me not to go the fuck off.
I remained as cool as I could given the situation.
I was so confused.
On the one hand written in black and white was the fact they had gotten married. On the other hand was the fact that married or not a day didn't go by that Josh didn't lay down and wake up with me.
Okay so fuck it. I'm still with him. We are still loving each other like we needed each other to breathe.
The wife, ugh, wife, was calling me on the regular. If she couldn't find him she would call me. More often than not he was right there beside me.
For that I really do apologize. I am a woman first and I shouldn't have carried on with that woman's husband.
However, the phone calls and messages were beyond disrespectful. Don't take your shit up with me talk to your man, SERIOUSLY.
I guess I don't get it because I've never been the call a bitch on the phone type. I guess I never had a reason to be.
So now their baby is here.
And Josh is bringing the baby to my house fucking me with his son right there.
That's when it got uncomfortable. I got tired of the whole situation Bottom line regardless of how much I wanted him to be Josh was not my man.
So I started seeing Chase again. Chase would never do anything like that to me.
It was so hard letting go of Josh that I needed Chase to help me get over him. Chase did a remarkable job.
He kept both my mind and my pussy occupied.
Fuck Josh. No, fuck Chase. Yeah. Fuck Chase.
I was so in love with him I became stupid. I would and did do anything for this man. The way he made me feel when we were together nothing else mattered.
Nothing else mattered until the bitch called my mutha fuckin' phone.
Okay so some how she got my number and let me not call her a bitch, yet. She was a pregnant girl who I felt sorry for because I knew I was fucking the shit out of her baby's father.
She attempted to grill me on the phone about my relationship with Josh. I have never been a petty chick, so, for her benefit I downplayed it. No need to rub the shit in her face. Hell, I remember how fucked up it felt to be pregnant and feel unwanted.
As sorry as I felt for her and her situation I was still not ready to let Josh go.
So you know what happened next...
Yep, I kept seeing him.
She kept calling me, what she was saying was going in one ear and out the other until the bitch told me they were getting married.
I confronted Josh and he told me about the guilt trip she was laying on him. Damn that's the same shit I tried on Eric but it failed to work. Well it worked on Josh's dumb ass.
Or maybe they weren't the dumb ones.
Nope, it was definitely me. The big dummy.
He didn't even tell me when they finally did get married. I had to find out on my own. His dumb ass left a card in my bathroom that she had given him about their wedding day. It took everything in me not to go the fuck off.
I remained as cool as I could given the situation.
I was so confused.
On the one hand written in black and white was the fact they had gotten married. On the other hand was the fact that married or not a day didn't go by that Josh didn't lay down and wake up with me.
Okay so fuck it. I'm still with him. We are still loving each other like we needed each other to breathe.
The wife, ugh, wife, was calling me on the regular. If she couldn't find him she would call me. More often than not he was right there beside me.
For that I really do apologize. I am a woman first and I shouldn't have carried on with that woman's husband.
However, the phone calls and messages were beyond disrespectful. Don't take your shit up with me talk to your man, SERIOUSLY.
I guess I don't get it because I've never been the call a bitch on the phone type. I guess I never had a reason to be.
So now their baby is here.
And Josh is bringing the baby to my house fucking me with his son right there.
That's when it got uncomfortable. I got tired of the whole situation Bottom line regardless of how much I wanted him to be Josh was not my man.
So I started seeing Chase again. Chase would never do anything like that to me.
It was so hard letting go of Josh that I needed Chase to help me get over him. Chase did a remarkable job.
He kept both my mind and my pussy occupied.
Fuck Josh. No, fuck Chase. Yeah. Fuck Chase.
The Beginning of the End
All good things must come to an end.
Yep, that's what they say.
Josh and I had just returned from one of our many trips to New York.
I got a call from a girlfriend that I hadn't talked to in ages. Asking if I was still seeing Josh "the playwright" because she heard he was in a relationship and about to have a baby.
Time out.
What the fuck did you just say?
Seriously I couldn't hear it with my world crashing around me in the background.
He WHAT?
Oooh I couldn't wait for him to get "home". I confronted him and he didn't lie. Or did he? Who knows? Here's what he said:
Yes, I am about to have a baby but I don't love the Bitch. I was in love with the idea of having a kid.
Ok, fair enough. I have my son who I love more than life so let's just go with that. Plus I was in way to deep to even think about breaking things off with him.
Yep, that's what they say.
Josh and I had just returned from one of our many trips to New York.
I got a call from a girlfriend that I hadn't talked to in ages. Asking if I was still seeing Josh "the playwright" because she heard he was in a relationship and about to have a baby.
Time out.
What the fuck did you just say?
Seriously I couldn't hear it with my world crashing around me in the background.
He WHAT?
Oooh I couldn't wait for him to get "home". I confronted him and he didn't lie. Or did he? Who knows? Here's what he said:
Yes, I am about to have a baby but I don't love the Bitch. I was in love with the idea of having a kid.
Ok, fair enough. I have my son who I love more than life so let's just go with that. Plus I was in way to deep to even think about breaking things off with him.
Oh shit.
I turned around and there was Eric. Pissed. As he had every right to be. He yanked the phone out of my hand and broke it in two.
Once his anger subsided we talked about it rationally. About how we had gotten to this point. About how I felt ignored. Neither of us went to work that day. We just talked.
Things changed for a little while. It was too late. I had a taste of Josh and I couldn't wait to see him again. So I did.
And again.
The closer I got to Josh the more Eric and I fought. Until finally I took my son and moved out.
I moved closer to Josh. Not so close that it was stupid, but close enough that I didn't have to drive so damn far. I was closer to my mother too, so it was a win/win.
Eric got his son every other week faithfully. Little did I know that he wasn't spending time with him, but sending him to his mother's house. Whatever. I was "free".
Josh made everything fun. Eating with Josh was fun, watching TV with Josh was fun, sex with Josh was fun.
Before Josh I thought oral sex was GROSS. Eric would ask every now and then and I would politely tell him I was waiting until we got married. Stalling for more time. There was something about Josh that not only made me want to do it, but I enjoyed doing it. I was so into this man that I had forgotten about everything and everyone else, including Chase.
It wasn't just the sex with Josh. It was everything else about our relationship that made the sex that much better. We would spend an entire day all over each other. Taking breaks just to eat. When we were out. We were somewhere having a ball. Josh was the first man that I felt 100% myself with.
Did I mention that we went everywhere together?
Whenever I was with Josh it felt like I was watching someone else's life unfold. It was TOO good to be true.
You know what they say about "all" good things???
Once his anger subsided we talked about it rationally. About how we had gotten to this point. About how I felt ignored. Neither of us went to work that day. We just talked.
Things changed for a little while. It was too late. I had a taste of Josh and I couldn't wait to see him again. So I did.
And again.
The closer I got to Josh the more Eric and I fought. Until finally I took my son and moved out.
I moved closer to Josh. Not so close that it was stupid, but close enough that I didn't have to drive so damn far. I was closer to my mother too, so it was a win/win.
Eric got his son every other week faithfully. Little did I know that he wasn't spending time with him, but sending him to his mother's house. Whatever. I was "free".
Josh made everything fun. Eating with Josh was fun, watching TV with Josh was fun, sex with Josh was fun.
Before Josh I thought oral sex was GROSS. Eric would ask every now and then and I would politely tell him I was waiting until we got married. Stalling for more time. There was something about Josh that not only made me want to do it, but I enjoyed doing it. I was so into this man that I had forgotten about everything and everyone else, including Chase.
It wasn't just the sex with Josh. It was everything else about our relationship that made the sex that much better. We would spend an entire day all over each other. Taking breaks just to eat. When we were out. We were somewhere having a ball. Josh was the first man that I felt 100% myself with.
Did I mention that we went everywhere together?
Whenever I was with Josh it felt like I was watching someone else's life unfold. It was TOO good to be true.
You know what they say about "all" good things???
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Josh
I got a call from Josh later that night. I didn't actually receive it until the next day.
Joshua invited me out to dinner and of course I jumped at the opportunity.
I lied to Eric and told him I was working late.
Dinner with Josh was the most sensual encounter that I have ever had with another person. Every thing about it was flirty and sexy. I felt like I was a scene from one of his plays.
We talked, I told him all about Eric. I didn't want the night to end.
We stayed out way later than I ever had working overtime. I didn't care. That night could've gone on forever.
The next morning I couldn't wait to call Amanda to tell her about my date.
I told her how we talked, and flirted, and kissed.
That goodnight kiss had every inch of my body tingling. I wanted him so bad it was scary.
As I retold every detail of that night.I felt like I was reliving the moment.
And I was. Until I turned around.
Joshua invited me out to dinner and of course I jumped at the opportunity.
I lied to Eric and told him I was working late.
Dinner with Josh was the most sensual encounter that I have ever had with another person. Every thing about it was flirty and sexy. I felt like I was a scene from one of his plays.
We talked, I told him all about Eric. I didn't want the night to end.
We stayed out way later than I ever had working overtime. I didn't care. That night could've gone on forever.
The next morning I couldn't wait to call Amanda to tell her about my date.
I told her how we talked, and flirted, and kissed.
That goodnight kiss had every inch of my body tingling. I wanted him so bad it was scary.
As I retold every detail of that night.I felt like I was reliving the moment.
And I was. Until I turned around.
Back Home
After moving back in with Eric things seemed to have changed. We spent more time with each other. I was happy and in love with my little family. At first.
Before I could even get use to my new life with Eric he started slipping back into his old ways. Allowing his friends to influence him and call me all types of bitches for not being okay with him being out all night.
As bad as I wanted things to be perfect at home something was amiss.
After sitting in the house with the baby for the last night while Eric was out doing God knows what. I decided I was going to go out and have my own night of whatever.
So I called my cousin Tasha and my girlfriend Amanda. They were so happy to hear that I wanted to go out that they jumped at the chance.
We decided to go to a club in DC.
I was having the time of my life, I SO felt like I deserved after the past two years with Eric.
Looking back on that night everything is a blur except when I first saw Josh.
The only things I remember about that night are my interactions with him.
First on the steps, when he hugged me. Then later on the dance floor when we danced.
Josh was a guy I went to high school with. The only reason I know this is because Tammy had the biggest crush on him.
It was actually kind of cute. One of my high school boyfriends gave me a rabbit for Easter. Tammy was the Godmother, she appointed Josh as the Godfather, unbeknownst to him.
Josh was a writer. He wrote and directed stage plays. I remember hearing about that through some of our other high school colleagues. I remember being "supportive" and going to see one of his plays at the Warner Theater. I didn't even know him but for some reason I was so proud of him. I guess because he was my rabbit's Godfather.
Somehow watching the play made me feel like I knew him in a way I had never taken the time to in high school. I thought I saw what attracted Tammy to him. Later I'd find that I had NO idea.
Seeing him that night for the first time in years, I wanted him. Bad.
When he hugged me on the steps and our faces brushed up against each other, I swear I would've went home with him that night. Then we danced until the club closed and I didn't want it to be over. Of course I gave him my number that night.
Fuck Eric.
Before I could even get use to my new life with Eric he started slipping back into his old ways. Allowing his friends to influence him and call me all types of bitches for not being okay with him being out all night.
As bad as I wanted things to be perfect at home something was amiss.
After sitting in the house with the baby for the last night while Eric was out doing God knows what. I decided I was going to go out and have my own night of whatever.
So I called my cousin Tasha and my girlfriend Amanda. They were so happy to hear that I wanted to go out that they jumped at the chance.
We decided to go to a club in DC.
I was having the time of my life, I SO felt like I deserved after the past two years with Eric.
Looking back on that night everything is a blur except when I first saw Josh.
The only things I remember about that night are my interactions with him.
First on the steps, when he hugged me. Then later on the dance floor when we danced.
Josh was a guy I went to high school with. The only reason I know this is because Tammy had the biggest crush on him.
It was actually kind of cute. One of my high school boyfriends gave me a rabbit for Easter. Tammy was the Godmother, she appointed Josh as the Godfather, unbeknownst to him.
Josh was a writer. He wrote and directed stage plays. I remember hearing about that through some of our other high school colleagues. I remember being "supportive" and going to see one of his plays at the Warner Theater. I didn't even know him but for some reason I was so proud of him. I guess because he was my rabbit's Godfather.
Somehow watching the play made me feel like I knew him in a way I had never taken the time to in high school. I thought I saw what attracted Tammy to him. Later I'd find that I had NO idea.
Seeing him that night for the first time in years, I wanted him. Bad.
When he hugged me on the steps and our faces brushed up against each other, I swear I would've went home with him that night. Then we danced until the club closed and I didn't want it to be over. Of course I gave him my number that night.
Fuck Eric.
Him again?
Chase.
All it took was one phone call and the sound of his voice. I was his all over again. His mother was buying stuff for my baby like he was her own grandchild.
Don't get me wrong his father has always been a constant in his life and no one has ever come close to taking his father's place.
As a matter of fact. Chase and I never spent time with the baby. He saw him and played with him a few times. But, When I was with Chase, I was with Chase. Usually when Eric had the baby on the weekends.
This round with Chase was way better than any other in the past. We missed each other and showed each other in every way we could imagine.
After David I had become somebody else in the bedroom and Chase wasn't complaining.
We were doing things to each other that the younger versions of us never would've dreamed of doing.
It felt that much better because I was with Chase. The man I was in love with. Chase and I were going strong. I was happier than I had been in so long.
Eric was doing his thing, I was doing mine.
Until Eric called me and said he wanted his family back. He apologized for leaving me in the house by myself night after night. I wanted for my son what I never had. Two parents who were going to be there for him through it all.
I ended things with Chase and moved back in with Eric.
All it took was one phone call and the sound of his voice. I was his all over again. His mother was buying stuff for my baby like he was her own grandchild.
Don't get me wrong his father has always been a constant in his life and no one has ever come close to taking his father's place.
As a matter of fact. Chase and I never spent time with the baby. He saw him and played with him a few times. But, When I was with Chase, I was with Chase. Usually when Eric had the baby on the weekends.
This round with Chase was way better than any other in the past. We missed each other and showed each other in every way we could imagine.
After David I had become somebody else in the bedroom and Chase wasn't complaining.
We were doing things to each other that the younger versions of us never would've dreamed of doing.
It felt that much better because I was with Chase. The man I was in love with. Chase and I were going strong. I was happier than I had been in so long.
Eric was doing his thing, I was doing mine.
Until Eric called me and said he wanted his family back. He apologized for leaving me in the house by myself night after night. I wanted for my son what I never had. Two parents who were going to be there for him through it all.
I ended things with Chase and moved back in with Eric.
David
There was something I liked about him. If we had met in person first he honestly probably wouldn't have stood a chance but David knew exactly what to say to keep me interested.
It helped that he didn't just talk a good game. He backed it up. OMG.
David had the biggest dick I had ever seen. No joke. I promise you it scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it.
I had been with guys not nearly as big and it hurt. I was not trying to let this man break me in half. Size does matter, I didn't not see how all of that was gonna fit up inside little ole me.
David was all about pleasing me. He kissed and licked me in places I had never even seen. Or knew existed.
David's bedroom game was definitely on a level I had never experienced.
I had my head so far in the other direction(s) that I really didn't give David a fair shot.
I look at him now and he is far from ugly... He was just no Chase, Justin or Chad.
Hey, I admited that I was shallow.
Needless to say David and I fizzled out and guess who came back?
It helped that he didn't just talk a good game. He backed it up. OMG.
David had the biggest dick I had ever seen. No joke. I promise you it scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it.
I had been with guys not nearly as big and it hurt. I was not trying to let this man break me in half. Size does matter, I didn't not see how all of that was gonna fit up inside little ole me.
David was all about pleasing me. He kissed and licked me in places I had never even seen. Or knew existed.
David's bedroom game was definitely on a level I had never experienced.
I had my head so far in the other direction(s) that I really didn't give David a fair shot.
I look at him now and he is far from ugly... He was just no Chase, Justin or Chad.
Hey, I admited that I was shallow.
Needless to say David and I fizzled out and guess who came back?
Back to Reality
When we got back from Myrtle Beach I kept in touch with Chad. Hooking up with him at home to go for short rides on his bike. He stayed respectful and never tried anything. I loved the attention and felt safe with him. Eric was still staying out all night and doing "his thing". I felt like me and the baby were a burden so I decided to leave.Break-up #1.I moved back in with my mother. It was great. I had a baby sitter and I was able to hang out and enjoy life.I continued to see Chad. Nothing sexual ever happened. He became and remained a great friend. Not gonna lie. I would've fucked the shit out of Chad's sexy ass. Mmm.While I was at home with my mom. My cousin hooked me up with one of her co-workers. I met him through IM. We talked all day at work. Then started talking all night on the phone. This went on for a few months before we finally decided to meet in person.
Girl's Weekend
I decided I was going to stay at home with my baby for at least the first year of his life. Well...
After three months I was longing for adult companionship. Eric was still going out and hanging until all hours of the night.
I found myself starting to resent him.
My best friend Tammy called and asked me to go on a girl's trip with her and two of our other high school girlfriends. As much as I was going to miss my baby. I really needed this trip. If for no other reason than to find the me that I had lost during the pregnancy and living in the house with Eric.
Luckily after having my baby I had almost bounced back to my old shape in no time. My ass wasn't as fat, which was so depressing. I knew I'd always been a small girl and my ass was my favorite feature. However, if you didn't know me with the ass than I guess it was nothing to miss.
My girlfriends and I headed for a weekend in Myrtle Beach for black bike week. I decided before even leaving that I was NOT getting on the back of a single bike. I was a mother and had a baby to get back home to.
Traffic on the strip was thick and we were stuck in it, but we didn't mind at all. While in traffic we flirted with the guys on their bikes. We laughed at the girls who looked a hot mess.
Day two on the strip. We were surrounded by a bunch of dudes on bikes from DC. They were funny and one caught my eye. There went the pact I made with myself. I got out of the drivers seat of my own truck on climbed on to the back of a stranger's bike.
I don't know what it was but something about him I trusted immediately. Looking back on it, it was probably the dumbest thing I'd ever done. Well second dumbest. I remember leaving a club and going with a guy to Atlantic City once.
Anyway, Chad. Motorcycle dude. Was gorgeous. The rest of the trip I was with Chad. We talked all night long and he never tried anything sexual. When we weren't talking we were zipping through Myrtle Beach on his bike. As anxious as I was to get home to my new baby. I did NOT want to leave Chad. I hadn't received this kind of attention from a man in what felt like forever.
After three months I was longing for adult companionship. Eric was still going out and hanging until all hours of the night.
I found myself starting to resent him.
My best friend Tammy called and asked me to go on a girl's trip with her and two of our other high school girlfriends. As much as I was going to miss my baby. I really needed this trip. If for no other reason than to find the me that I had lost during the pregnancy and living in the house with Eric.
Luckily after having my baby I had almost bounced back to my old shape in no time. My ass wasn't as fat, which was so depressing. I knew I'd always been a small girl and my ass was my favorite feature. However, if you didn't know me with the ass than I guess it was nothing to miss.
My girlfriends and I headed for a weekend in Myrtle Beach for black bike week. I decided before even leaving that I was NOT getting on the back of a single bike. I was a mother and had a baby to get back home to.
Traffic on the strip was thick and we were stuck in it, but we didn't mind at all. While in traffic we flirted with the guys on their bikes. We laughed at the girls who looked a hot mess.
Day two on the strip. We were surrounded by a bunch of dudes on bikes from DC. They were funny and one caught my eye. There went the pact I made with myself. I got out of the drivers seat of my own truck on climbed on to the back of a stranger's bike.
I don't know what it was but something about him I trusted immediately. Looking back on it, it was probably the dumbest thing I'd ever done. Well second dumbest. I remember leaving a club and going with a guy to Atlantic City once.
Anyway, Chad. Motorcycle dude. Was gorgeous. The rest of the trip I was with Chad. We talked all night long and he never tried anything sexual. When we weren't talking we were zipping through Myrtle Beach on his bike. As anxious as I was to get home to my new baby. I did NOT want to leave Chad. I hadn't received this kind of attention from a man in what felt like forever.
My One True Unconditional Love
While I was pregnant Eric was there. He wasn't there like other fathers. He didn't go to every doctor's appointment. I hated being single and pregnant. I felt like such a statistic. It was my own fault.
One day Danny knocked on my door. My belly met him in the threshold. The look on his face said it all. Someone else I had disappointed. I never heard from Danny after that day.
I tried to stay hidden my entire pregnancy. I went to work and came straight home to my mother's house.
Until one day Eric told me he was going to buy a house for me, him, and the baby.
I had so much fun house shopping. We settled on a three story townhouse. It was all mine to decorate however I wanted. It was exactly what I needed while I waited for the baby.
Blasts from the past would call out of the blue. Like Noah, Justin, and Jason. I stayed focused on my baby and Eric. For the first time in my life I was totally committed to having something real and making it work.
Living with Eric was nothing like I imagined. While I was as big as a house he was staying out all hours of the night. Sometimes not coming home until 5 AM the next morning.
While my fat ass was in the house alone. Night after night. Carrying our child. Taking pride in our house. Having dinner ready every night when he came home from work. Cooking, cleaning, trying to turn myself into June Cleaver or some damn body.
I had never felt more unwanted in my life. I couldn't wait to have the baby so I could turn the tables on his ass.
Then he came. My baby boy. He was perfect. Every bit of love that I might have been searching for up to this point I saw in his eyes. He was so innocent and depended on me for everything. I would not allow myself to let him down.
One day Danny knocked on my door. My belly met him in the threshold. The look on his face said it all. Someone else I had disappointed. I never heard from Danny after that day.
I tried to stay hidden my entire pregnancy. I went to work and came straight home to my mother's house.
Until one day Eric told me he was going to buy a house for me, him, and the baby.
I had so much fun house shopping. We settled on a three story townhouse. It was all mine to decorate however I wanted. It was exactly what I needed while I waited for the baby.
Blasts from the past would call out of the blue. Like Noah, Justin, and Jason. I stayed focused on my baby and Eric. For the first time in my life I was totally committed to having something real and making it work.
Living with Eric was nothing like I imagined. While I was as big as a house he was staying out all hours of the night. Sometimes not coming home until 5 AM the next morning.
While my fat ass was in the house alone. Night after night. Carrying our child. Taking pride in our house. Having dinner ready every night when he came home from work. Cooking, cleaning, trying to turn myself into June Cleaver or some damn body.
I had never felt more unwanted in my life. I couldn't wait to have the baby so I could turn the tables on his ass.
Then he came. My baby boy. He was perfect. Every bit of love that I might have been searching for up to this point I saw in his eyes. He was so innocent and depended on me for everything. I would not allow myself to let him down.
Eric
I met Eric at a friend's party. He was kinda cute and really funny. His cousin asked for my number and I gave it to him. When his cousin wasn't looking Eric asked for my number SO I gave it to him too.
Eric called and asked me out to dinner. I was babysitting but he said he didn't mind if the kid came along. He truly impressed me at dinner. As I was yelling at this bad ass kid he was calm and the kid listened.
My maiden name was Lane his Rhodes, it was like we were meant to be.
M-F nights after work were spent getting to know Eric. The weekends trekking to see Chase.
Eric knew where I was going. For whatever reason I choose not to lie. I guess this is why it was such a turn on when Eric called me one weekend while I was with Chase and told me I had to choose. Right then and there I chose Eric.
Why?
I still don't know why I chose Eric. Maybe because my mom really liked Eric. Maybe because Eric had a good job. Maybe because Eric was nothing like any of the guys I'd dated before. Eric was stable.
Eric was responsible and knew exactly what he wanted out of life. Eric told me how it was and how it was going to be and I loved and respected his straight forwardness. With Chase as much as I loved him, I really didn't know where I stood. I never thought I was good enough for him so I never thought he was all mine.
I allowed things to progress with Eric. Like every other relationship once I hopped on board it sped out of the gate like a speeding roller coaster.
Eric was family oriented. It was important to him that I meet his family. No problem because families before his adored me. Justin's dad loved me, we even had the same birthday. Chase's parents had me over even when Chase wasn't around. Chase's mom still called me to ride with her to the mall.
This family thing came naturally to me. Except the day I met Eric's mom I happened to have on the hoochiest thing in my closet. I was so embarrassed. I would've never worn anything like that had I known I was meeting his mother. No wonder she doesn't like me. Oh well, feeling is mutual.
Before meeting anyone else in his family I had decided that Eric really wasn't the one for me. Although my mother and her friends loved him. I wasn't attracted to him. Like I had been to Chase. So I decided to start distancing myself from Eric.
I started talking to Chase again. I wasn't going to visit him but when he was in town he definitely came to see me.
Eric knew I was up to something and was growing tired of my shit. He was ready to move on and he told me so the day I was planning my mother's surprise party. I was actually okay with it. He was still coming to the party since he'd helped with all the planning up to this point and my mother adored him. We decided we'd tell her after the party.
That evening he picked me up from work and I was sicker than I'd ever been. I thought maybe I'd eaten something that had made me sick. I couldn't shake the feeling. I told him and he immediately thought I was playing games.
Boy please I want to be rid of you as bad as you want to be rid of me.
After the party we went to the grocery store and bought an E.P.T. Went back to the house and I peed on the stick.
Shit.
Happy Birthday, Mom! I'm pregnant. After the abortion, I was definitely keeping my baby.
Eric tried to talk me into not keeping it. Explaining this would be his third abortion. I was so pissed at the both of us for allowing this to happen. I wasn't going to put myself through the trauma of an abortion again.
Eric told me that he would support whatever decision I made. So WE decided to have the baby and he was the best thing to have ever happened to me.
After telling my mother. Telling Chase was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. The look on his face let me know that I had let him down.
What's crazy is my entire pregnancy I wasn't sure who was the father Eric or Chase. I had wished for Eric to be the father and decided he would be, because he was the most ready at the time. So that was it. I was having a baby.
Eric called and asked me out to dinner. I was babysitting but he said he didn't mind if the kid came along. He truly impressed me at dinner. As I was yelling at this bad ass kid he was calm and the kid listened.
My maiden name was Lane his Rhodes, it was like we were meant to be.
M-F nights after work were spent getting to know Eric. The weekends trekking to see Chase.
Eric knew where I was going. For whatever reason I choose not to lie. I guess this is why it was such a turn on when Eric called me one weekend while I was with Chase and told me I had to choose. Right then and there I chose Eric.
Why?
I still don't know why I chose Eric. Maybe because my mom really liked Eric. Maybe because Eric had a good job. Maybe because Eric was nothing like any of the guys I'd dated before. Eric was stable.
Eric was responsible and knew exactly what he wanted out of life. Eric told me how it was and how it was going to be and I loved and respected his straight forwardness. With Chase as much as I loved him, I really didn't know where I stood. I never thought I was good enough for him so I never thought he was all mine.
I allowed things to progress with Eric. Like every other relationship once I hopped on board it sped out of the gate like a speeding roller coaster.
Eric was family oriented. It was important to him that I meet his family. No problem because families before his adored me. Justin's dad loved me, we even had the same birthday. Chase's parents had me over even when Chase wasn't around. Chase's mom still called me to ride with her to the mall.
This family thing came naturally to me. Except the day I met Eric's mom I happened to have on the hoochiest thing in my closet. I was so embarrassed. I would've never worn anything like that had I known I was meeting his mother. No wonder she doesn't like me. Oh well, feeling is mutual.
Before meeting anyone else in his family I had decided that Eric really wasn't the one for me. Although my mother and her friends loved him. I wasn't attracted to him. Like I had been to Chase. So I decided to start distancing myself from Eric.
I started talking to Chase again. I wasn't going to visit him but when he was in town he definitely came to see me.
Eric knew I was up to something and was growing tired of my shit. He was ready to move on and he told me so the day I was planning my mother's surprise party. I was actually okay with it. He was still coming to the party since he'd helped with all the planning up to this point and my mother adored him. We decided we'd tell her after the party.
That evening he picked me up from work and I was sicker than I'd ever been. I thought maybe I'd eaten something that had made me sick. I couldn't shake the feeling. I told him and he immediately thought I was playing games.
Boy please I want to be rid of you as bad as you want to be rid of me.
After the party we went to the grocery store and bought an E.P.T. Went back to the house and I peed on the stick.
Shit.
Happy Birthday, Mom! I'm pregnant. After the abortion, I was definitely keeping my baby.
Eric tried to talk me into not keeping it. Explaining this would be his third abortion. I was so pissed at the both of us for allowing this to happen. I wasn't going to put myself through the trauma of an abortion again.
Eric told me that he would support whatever decision I made. So WE decided to have the baby and he was the best thing to have ever happened to me.
After telling my mother. Telling Chase was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. The look on his face let me know that I had let him down.
What's crazy is my entire pregnancy I wasn't sure who was the father Eric or Chase. I had wished for Eric to be the father and decided he would be, because he was the most ready at the time. So that was it. I was having a baby.
Chase
With all the fighting it was so easy to say yes when Chase wanted to see me. Things had gotten so bad with Danny at one point that my mother dragged me to the court house to press charges. He had given me a black eye and my leg was swollen from him throwing a pair of Gortex boots at me. Chase was exactly what I needed to forget about Danny.
I got a job. Working at a law firm as a receptionist during the day. Chase at night. All night. I fall in love fast. This I already know. I fell in love with Chase faster than anyone I'd ever loved before him. I think part of me was in love with just the thought of Chase before I knew him as a person.
Chase the person was way more than I could've imagined. He was everything to me. I got him a job working at the law firm. That didn't last long. He quit and I wasn't mad at him. It was fun working with him while it lasted. He still picked me up from work every day. I spent most nights at his house. Getting dressed and going to work from there.
The day Chase told me he decided to go back to school four hours away. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. I was devastated to say the least. Chase got a full basketball scholarship so I couldn't be mad. I really was happy for him. Every other weekend I rode down with his mother to visit him. The weekends in between I either went by myself or coaxed a friend to come along. An entire semester I spent driving to see him on the weekends.
Until I met Eric. If Chase hadn't gone to school I really think we would've made it. I never stopped loving Chase. I just needed more attention I guess. Eric was here and Chase was not. I was totally up front with Eric. I told him that my heart was four hours away with Chase. I warned him that when Chase came back I didn't know what was going to happen.
Guess what? They know each other. Chase and Eric. GREAT!
I got a job. Working at a law firm as a receptionist during the day. Chase at night. All night. I fall in love fast. This I already know. I fell in love with Chase faster than anyone I'd ever loved before him. I think part of me was in love with just the thought of Chase before I knew him as a person.
Chase the person was way more than I could've imagined. He was everything to me. I got him a job working at the law firm. That didn't last long. He quit and I wasn't mad at him. It was fun working with him while it lasted. He still picked me up from work every day. I spent most nights at his house. Getting dressed and going to work from there.
The day Chase told me he decided to go back to school four hours away. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. I was devastated to say the least. Chase got a full basketball scholarship so I couldn't be mad. I really was happy for him. Every other weekend I rode down with his mother to visit him. The weekends in between I either went by myself or coaxed a friend to come along. An entire semester I spent driving to see him on the weekends.
Until I met Eric. If Chase hadn't gone to school I really think we would've made it. I never stopped loving Chase. I just needed more attention I guess. Eric was here and Chase was not. I was totally up front with Eric. I told him that my heart was four hours away with Chase. I warned him that when Chase came back I didn't know what was going to happen.
Guess what? They know each other. Chase and Eric. GREAT!
School Days
My freshman year of college was spent partying way more than learning. I don't know why I always find myself attracted to the unavailable "no good" types.
You know what I mean, bad boy playing the field types. Who are attracted to me for some reason that I'm still not clear on. I like to think it's my personality or intellect maybe some sort of combination of the two.
First there was Noah who drove a fast car and was a known hustler on campus. After hanging out with... or should I say fucking, Noah I found out that he had a girlfriend, this quickly became the story of my life.
I don't know why after finding out this information I don't run for the hills. Nope. Instead several months passed. I was a secret that everybody knew about, I'm sure even the girlfriend, who was as dumb as I.
Noah paraded me around campus introducing me to all of his friends. Two of his friends who were twins, befriended me. Taylor and Tyler. I use to go to the twins house with Noah. Then they started picking me up without him. We would go back to their house and play board games and cards til early in the morning.
One night I fell asleep in Tyler's bed. In the morning Noah walked through the door. I have to admit, it didn't look good. Even though nothing happened between me and Tyler, I never let Noah think differently, and for some reason I don't think Tyler did either. SO that day was the end of me and Noah. I guess he was the only one allowed to fuck around. Oh well. I didn't really like him that much anyway. Plus sex with him was way more painful than enjoyable.
NEXT
Who was next? Let's see. I met a nice guy from Newport News, VA. Troy, I think that was his name. After one trip home to meet my mother and a HORRIBLE romp in my old bed. That was the END of Troy.
During winter break I met Chris. Chris was a hustler and had more cars than I could count. Although I wasn't physically attracted to Chris. I was so attracted to his lifestyle. After knowing Chris for a few days he gave me a duffel bag of money to hold. Instructing me to keep it safe and take what I needed. I counted it and gave him back all $75000. That was the start to a crazy ride. Whatever I wanted Chris bought me. Chris lived 30 minutes away from me and my mother when I met him. He decided to rent a house five minutes away so that we could be closer. He would take me shopping every other day and let me drive any of his cars for extended periods of time. Chris would have footlocker bags of money in the trunk and I was responsible for counting and sorting it on the ride.
When I returned to school I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. I made the team. Yay me. During tryouts I met a guy. Jason. Jason was from home. We used to sit in his car and talk for hours. Until one day his "girl" pulled up beside us and gave him an earful. According to Jason that wasn't his girl. I believed him. So it was me and Jason.
One day after practice Chris was at the gym looking for me. Come to find out Chris moved again. This time 10 miles off campus. So now Chris is starting to freak me out... To this day I'm still not quite sure what his attraction to me was. I never even kissed him. I don't even remember giving him as much as a hug. Bye Chris.
Okay so I'm into Jason. Until I met Nash. A 6'4 dark skinned basketball player who more than half the campus was so in love with. I'd never seen him. Only heard of him through my roommate - who had the biggest crush on him. One day while in the gym I saw him. It felt like an out of body experience. Something you see happen in the movies. Our eyes met and I was stuck in his gaze for what felt like hours. Later that evening I saw Nash in the cafeteria. After dinner we walked around campus and talked until the next morning.
Of course Nash had a girlfriend back at home. So I decided to keep seeing Jason and continue whatever this thing was I had with Nash. I openly dated both of them. And honestly didn't give a damn what anybody thought. Yes, I know what everybody was saying about me. Fuck them. I'm doing me.
Sex with Jason was okay. I'm still not sure what it was about him that I really liked. Other than the fact that he had a bitch. Hmm....
REVELATION #1
I'm attracted to guys who aren't available. What's up with that? Is it the chase?
Sex with Nash. Wow. We did it everywhere. Hotel rooms, the gym, the bleachers on the football field, his dorm room, the basketball house, outside. Nowhere was off limits. Jason. Who's Jason?
SO sex with Jason really wasn't okay. It was terrible. It was him on top of me pumping away. Sweat falling off of his face. Me dodging the sweat to avoid getting my hair wet. Now that I think about it. Eww.
Another break of some sort.
The years all seem to blend together.
I'm home feeling sick as a dog. I'm pregnant. Great. Who the fuck is the father?
I'm so childish and immature. I tell both Jason and Nash. Now they both think I may be carrying their child.
Abortion #1.
It was horrible. The hardest thing I've ever done. If it were up to me I swear I wouldn't have done it. All my mother could see were the mistakes she had made and the life I was throwing away. So she dragged me. No, I wasn't kicking and screaming, just confused. Afterward, I felt worse than I've ever felt before. Guilty and remorseful.
After the semester break school was back in session. Everyone returned to school. Where the fuck is Nash? Everyone except Nash returned to school. Well this decision is easy. Back to Jason and the sweaty sex.
Then one day I'm in the book store and the cutest guy walks up to me and talks to me in a way I've never experienced. He was respectful and sweet. His name was Danny. While still fucking Jason I let myself get to know Danny. He was nothing like anyone I'd ever known. One weekend I took him home with me and let him meet my mother. He won her over too. On the way back to school from that visit I was in a six car pile up that had traffic stopped for miles. While standing on the side of the road devastated, who rode by? You guessed it. A very disappointed Jason. Bye Jason.
When I went home that summer my mother threw me a big cook out for my birthday. She invited people I hadn't seen since high school. Including Justin. I hadn't seen or talked to Justin in over a year. Yet I was happy to see him. I was truly happy to see him. Justin told me he'd be right back with my birthday present. He came back to the house with Chase and my heart hit the floor. I was so confused. I had totally forgotten about Chase. Especially after the summer that I had spent with Justin. At first I didn't know what to think of Justin bringing Chase to my house. I thought it was some kind of joke or a game he was playing. The night was real chill, we laughed in the basement with the rest of the party guests and had a great time. After every one left Chase, Justin, my cousin Tasha and I went out. I don't remember where we went but I remember Tasha and Justin leaving me and Chase alone to "talk". He asked for my number. Still thinking the whole situation was a set up. I gave it to him anyway. I still thought he was the "flyest" dude on the planet.
The rest of that summer I spent it getting to know Chase. We spent hours on the phone. Talking about everything. He was just as easy to talk to as he was to look at. We went every where that summer. There wasn't a restaurant in town that we didn't eat at or a party we didn't go to. Together. It was like a high school dream come true.
Sex with Chase. Oooh. Sex with Chase was the best sex I'd ever had. The summer went by way to fast and I had to leave Chase and return to school.
That semester it was just me and Danny. The sex with Danny was boring but he was so nice and I knew he really loved me. I know that no other guy had ever loved me like Danny. I was his everything. Me and Danny got intense fast. I was either at his apartment playing house or he was at mine. Making dinner, baking cakes, laying up with him. Whatever. When we were out we were the cutest couple ever. According to those who felt the need to tell us we were the cutest couple ever.
At least two semesters had gone by and life was lovely. Danny and I had the same friends. Everything about my life intertwined with his life. I didn't even realize it at the time. I got a job with his best friend's girlfriend. The four of us did everything together. One day after work I decided to hang out with my old friends, the twins. Taylor and Tyler. We hung out at their parent's house until 8 AM the next day. Playing chess and card games.
When I returned to my apartment Danny was there and he wasn't at all happy. He punched holes in the walls. He threw things, he went ballistic. I had never seen him like that before. I felt so bad. I didn't realize how much he "loved" me. I promised never to make him feel that way again.
I learned that it didn't matter what I did. Even the smallest things made Danny act that way. After I returned home, he decided to come home with me. He rented an apartment around the corner from my mother's house. We were inseparable. Until Chase called.
You know what I mean, bad boy playing the field types. Who are attracted to me for some reason that I'm still not clear on. I like to think it's my personality or intellect maybe some sort of combination of the two.
First there was Noah who drove a fast car and was a known hustler on campus. After hanging out with... or should I say fucking, Noah I found out that he had a girlfriend, this quickly became the story of my life.
I don't know why after finding out this information I don't run for the hills. Nope. Instead several months passed. I was a secret that everybody knew about, I'm sure even the girlfriend, who was as dumb as I.
Noah paraded me around campus introducing me to all of his friends. Two of his friends who were twins, befriended me. Taylor and Tyler. I use to go to the twins house with Noah. Then they started picking me up without him. We would go back to their house and play board games and cards til early in the morning.
One night I fell asleep in Tyler's bed. In the morning Noah walked through the door. I have to admit, it didn't look good. Even though nothing happened between me and Tyler, I never let Noah think differently, and for some reason I don't think Tyler did either. SO that day was the end of me and Noah. I guess he was the only one allowed to fuck around. Oh well. I didn't really like him that much anyway. Plus sex with him was way more painful than enjoyable.
NEXT
Who was next? Let's see. I met a nice guy from Newport News, VA. Troy, I think that was his name. After one trip home to meet my mother and a HORRIBLE romp in my old bed. That was the END of Troy.
During winter break I met Chris. Chris was a hustler and had more cars than I could count. Although I wasn't physically attracted to Chris. I was so attracted to his lifestyle. After knowing Chris for a few days he gave me a duffel bag of money to hold. Instructing me to keep it safe and take what I needed. I counted it and gave him back all $75000. That was the start to a crazy ride. Whatever I wanted Chris bought me. Chris lived 30 minutes away from me and my mother when I met him. He decided to rent a house five minutes away so that we could be closer. He would take me shopping every other day and let me drive any of his cars for extended periods of time. Chris would have footlocker bags of money in the trunk and I was responsible for counting and sorting it on the ride.
When I returned to school I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. I made the team. Yay me. During tryouts I met a guy. Jason. Jason was from home. We used to sit in his car and talk for hours. Until one day his "girl" pulled up beside us and gave him an earful. According to Jason that wasn't his girl. I believed him. So it was me and Jason.
One day after practice Chris was at the gym looking for me. Come to find out Chris moved again. This time 10 miles off campus. So now Chris is starting to freak me out... To this day I'm still not quite sure what his attraction to me was. I never even kissed him. I don't even remember giving him as much as a hug. Bye Chris.
Okay so I'm into Jason. Until I met Nash. A 6'4 dark skinned basketball player who more than half the campus was so in love with. I'd never seen him. Only heard of him through my roommate - who had the biggest crush on him. One day while in the gym I saw him. It felt like an out of body experience. Something you see happen in the movies. Our eyes met and I was stuck in his gaze for what felt like hours. Later that evening I saw Nash in the cafeteria. After dinner we walked around campus and talked until the next morning.
Of course Nash had a girlfriend back at home. So I decided to keep seeing Jason and continue whatever this thing was I had with Nash. I openly dated both of them. And honestly didn't give a damn what anybody thought. Yes, I know what everybody was saying about me. Fuck them. I'm doing me.
Sex with Jason was okay. I'm still not sure what it was about him that I really liked. Other than the fact that he had a bitch. Hmm....
REVELATION #1
I'm attracted to guys who aren't available. What's up with that? Is it the chase?
Sex with Nash. Wow. We did it everywhere. Hotel rooms, the gym, the bleachers on the football field, his dorm room, the basketball house, outside. Nowhere was off limits. Jason. Who's Jason?
SO sex with Jason really wasn't okay. It was terrible. It was him on top of me pumping away. Sweat falling off of his face. Me dodging the sweat to avoid getting my hair wet. Now that I think about it. Eww.
Another break of some sort.
The years all seem to blend together.
I'm home feeling sick as a dog. I'm pregnant. Great. Who the fuck is the father?
I'm so childish and immature. I tell both Jason and Nash. Now they both think I may be carrying their child.
Abortion #1.
It was horrible. The hardest thing I've ever done. If it were up to me I swear I wouldn't have done it. All my mother could see were the mistakes she had made and the life I was throwing away. So she dragged me. No, I wasn't kicking and screaming, just confused. Afterward, I felt worse than I've ever felt before. Guilty and remorseful.
After the semester break school was back in session. Everyone returned to school. Where the fuck is Nash? Everyone except Nash returned to school. Well this decision is easy. Back to Jason and the sweaty sex.
Then one day I'm in the book store and the cutest guy walks up to me and talks to me in a way I've never experienced. He was respectful and sweet. His name was Danny. While still fucking Jason I let myself get to know Danny. He was nothing like anyone I'd ever known. One weekend I took him home with me and let him meet my mother. He won her over too. On the way back to school from that visit I was in a six car pile up that had traffic stopped for miles. While standing on the side of the road devastated, who rode by? You guessed it. A very disappointed Jason. Bye Jason.
When I went home that summer my mother threw me a big cook out for my birthday. She invited people I hadn't seen since high school. Including Justin. I hadn't seen or talked to Justin in over a year. Yet I was happy to see him. I was truly happy to see him. Justin told me he'd be right back with my birthday present. He came back to the house with Chase and my heart hit the floor. I was so confused. I had totally forgotten about Chase. Especially after the summer that I had spent with Justin. At first I didn't know what to think of Justin bringing Chase to my house. I thought it was some kind of joke or a game he was playing. The night was real chill, we laughed in the basement with the rest of the party guests and had a great time. After every one left Chase, Justin, my cousin Tasha and I went out. I don't remember where we went but I remember Tasha and Justin leaving me and Chase alone to "talk". He asked for my number. Still thinking the whole situation was a set up. I gave it to him anyway. I still thought he was the "flyest" dude on the planet.
The rest of that summer I spent it getting to know Chase. We spent hours on the phone. Talking about everything. He was just as easy to talk to as he was to look at. We went every where that summer. There wasn't a restaurant in town that we didn't eat at or a party we didn't go to. Together. It was like a high school dream come true.
Sex with Chase. Oooh. Sex with Chase was the best sex I'd ever had. The summer went by way to fast and I had to leave Chase and return to school.
That semester it was just me and Danny. The sex with Danny was boring but he was so nice and I knew he really loved me. I know that no other guy had ever loved me like Danny. I was his everything. Me and Danny got intense fast. I was either at his apartment playing house or he was at mine. Making dinner, baking cakes, laying up with him. Whatever. When we were out we were the cutest couple ever. According to those who felt the need to tell us we were the cutest couple ever.
At least two semesters had gone by and life was lovely. Danny and I had the same friends. Everything about my life intertwined with his life. I didn't even realize it at the time. I got a job with his best friend's girlfriend. The four of us did everything together. One day after work I decided to hang out with my old friends, the twins. Taylor and Tyler. We hung out at their parent's house until 8 AM the next day. Playing chess and card games.
When I returned to my apartment Danny was there and he wasn't at all happy. He punched holes in the walls. He threw things, he went ballistic. I had never seen him like that before. I felt so bad. I didn't realize how much he "loved" me. I promised never to make him feel that way again.
I learned that it didn't matter what I did. Even the smallest things made Danny act that way. After I returned home, he decided to come home with me. He rented an apartment around the corner from my mother's house. We were inseparable. Until Chase called.
Justin
In the beginning Justin and I were always with Blake. The three amigos. If you saw one of us the other two were close behind. Then something changed and Justin and I started hanging out without Blake. To me there was nothing going on.
To everyone else we were dating. Even Amy thought so. Instead of talking to me, OR me talking to her, I allowed her to believe the worst. That was the end of our three year friendship.
Without the threat of Amy, Justin and I were able to focus on us. I fell for him hard.
At the time I thought sex with Justin was great. BOY, did I have a lot to learn.
I would do anything for Justin. Almost stupidly so. If I had it, he would have it. With no job I some how managed to spoil this boy way more than he deserved. Buying him everything from watches to clothes to shoes. I'm not sure why.
Our relationship went strong that summer until I left for college. When I left I also ended my relationship with Justin telling him how I felt used and under appreciated.
I'm not sure why but Justin will always hold a special place in my heart.
To everyone else we were dating. Even Amy thought so. Instead of talking to me, OR me talking to her, I allowed her to believe the worst. That was the end of our three year friendship.
Without the threat of Amy, Justin and I were able to focus on us. I fell for him hard.
At the time I thought sex with Justin was great. BOY, did I have a lot to learn.
I would do anything for Justin. Almost stupidly so. If I had it, he would have it. With no job I some how managed to spoil this boy way more than he deserved. Buying him everything from watches to clothes to shoes. I'm not sure why.
Our relationship went strong that summer until I left for college. When I left I also ended my relationship with Justin telling him how I felt used and under appreciated.
I'm not sure why but Justin will always hold a special place in my heart.
Meet Alyssa
My name is Alyssa Rhodes. I am a married mother of three...
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. As this could be the end to my marriage.
Perhaps it's the guilt. Or the need to get things off my chest. Who knows?
My husband is the most supportive man there is and I know he loves me way more than I deserve, still I cheat.
I guess I should start from the beginning. Where is that exactly?
Let's start with the first love of my life. A high school crush, Chase. Who I had no chance with. He was the "flyest" basketball player on the team. EVERY girl wanted him including me. Sure I was a cheerleader with my fair share of "crushees" but HE was the one that I wanted. WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
My fellow cheerleader and very good friend, Amy, dated one of his boys from the basketball team. Equally as cute minus the swag (do people still use that word). Don't get me wrong Justin had his share of high school groupies. I just wasn't one of them, besides he was Amy's first EVERYTHING.
The entire year went on without speaking a word to Chase. He graduated and life went on.
It was the summer after my high school graduation. My best friend, Blake, lived across the street from Justin. He called to say that Justin wanted to "talk" to me. NO WAY. I knew how much he meant to Amy. Although they had broken up AND she had not only moved on, but was PREGNANT by someone else. Justin knew about my crush on Chase from two years before and used that to break the ice. As Justin and I grew closer I couldn't help but to fall for him. He was funny, sweet and so easy on the eyes. Amy remained in the back of my mind and I refused to cross the line. Until the day that I did.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. As this could be the end to my marriage.
Perhaps it's the guilt. Or the need to get things off my chest. Who knows?
My husband is the most supportive man there is and I know he loves me way more than I deserve, still I cheat.
I guess I should start from the beginning. Where is that exactly?
Let's start with the first love of my life. A high school crush, Chase. Who I had no chance with. He was the "flyest" basketball player on the team. EVERY girl wanted him including me. Sure I was a cheerleader with my fair share of "crushees" but HE was the one that I wanted. WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
My fellow cheerleader and very good friend, Amy, dated one of his boys from the basketball team. Equally as cute minus the swag (do people still use that word). Don't get me wrong Justin had his share of high school groupies. I just wasn't one of them, besides he was Amy's first EVERYTHING.
The entire year went on without speaking a word to Chase. He graduated and life went on.
It was the summer after my high school graduation. My best friend, Blake, lived across the street from Justin. He called to say that Justin wanted to "talk" to me. NO WAY. I knew how much he meant to Amy. Although they had broken up AND she had not only moved on, but was PREGNANT by someone else. Justin knew about my crush on Chase from two years before and used that to break the ice. As Justin and I grew closer I couldn't help but to fall for him. He was funny, sweet and so easy on the eyes. Amy remained in the back of my mind and I refused to cross the line. Until the day that I did.
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